STINK BUGS MUST DIE!

I recently moved out of my apartment in the city (not THE city) and into my parents' house in the country. Their house is amazing—spacious, well-decorated and comfy, with a stocked pantry, refrigerator and wine rack, a pool in the backyard, and is rent free—and I'm really glad to be back with my family :)

So what does that have to do with me hating bugs? Well, there are more bugs out in the country than there are in the city. LOTS more. I hate them all. I wouldn't hate them so much if A.) they stayed outside where they belong, and B.) they did not decide to launch an all out infestation war on my room…

When I moved in, my brother and I installed an air conditioning unit in my window because my room gets really hot. I attempted to seal all of the air cracks in the unit with the foam and tape that came with it as to prevent rain and bugs from entering my room. I thought I did a great job so I was really surprised and annoyed to see bugs in my room within the days that followed. Only a few bugs appeared each day, so I really wasn't that worried about it. In fact, I was at peace with the fact that I would have to check my room a few times a day, especially before bed, and eliminate the bastards at first sight. So that's what I did for about a week and a half. I never saw more than 5 bugs at a time...until last night.

Beside last night, the last time I checked for bugs in my room was Tuesday morning before I left for work—all clear. I stayed at my boyfriend's house Tuesday night, babysat after work on Wednesday, and arrived home at 10 PM Wednesday night. I got out of my car and before I went into the house I took a moment to admire the beauty of living in the country (how ironic)—the stars, the clarity of the air, the smell, the peacefulness. I was so peaceful when I entered the house; ready for a great night's sleep in my "new" room. I said, "hello and goodnight," to my dad and brothers who were up watching TV, then headed up to my room. I opened the door, put my stuff on my bed, and started my nightly routine of searching for evil bugs. I saw 3 on the curtain and wall of the window with the A/C unit. I grabbed some toilet paper and got the two stink bugs I could reach. I noticed that the third bug was actually a grasshopper (jiminy crickets!). Figuring that he could easily escape my attempt to grab him with TP, I went downstairs and got the vacuum cleaner. When I got back to my room, I noticed a couple more bugs and thought, “good thing I have this vacuum cleaner with me so that I can quickly eliminate these bastard bugs.” I proceeded to suck up the grasshopper and 2 additional stink bugs. That’s when things took a turn for the worse.

I pulled back the curtain to see if there were any more bugs hiding. To my horror I discovered THIRTY FUCKING BUGS CRAWLING ON MY CURTAIN!!!!! I screamed, panted, hyperventilated, broke into a sweat, and almost sharted (just kidding!) because I was so appalled and horrified by the sight of THIRTY FUCKING BUGS CRAWLING ON MY CURTAIN!!!!

I was determined to kill them all and remove the fucking A/C unit! Panting frantically, I got my screwdriver, unscrewed the A/C from the window, then went downstairs and enlisted my brother to help me get the unit out of the window and into the box and outside for good! Just as we pulled the unit out of the window, the bugs unleashed their second attack! Stink bugs were EVERYWHERE! They were climbing in from the window and out of the unit! My brother and I screamed loudly and proceeded to freak the fuck out!!! We launched a counter attack with TP and vacuum! Once we thought we were safe, my brother carried the A/C unit downstairs and put it on the deck. I repeatedly called my boyfriend until he answered and hysterically told him I was coming over to sleep at his place. Determined to finish the battle, I went back upstairs and sucked up the last few stink bugs that I could see. I furiously packed my bag. Before I left, I did one last sweep of the room—all clear. I hurriedly placed the vacuum outside as I left. “I’ll be back someday…” I said angrily as I marched to my escape vehicle. I won the battle, but the war ain’t over. I was itchy, irritated, annoyed, angry, upset and tired…maybe the bugs actually won that battle...those sneaky fuckers were trying to wear me out! THEY MUST DIE!!!!

A professional exterminator is coming tomorrow to put up his best fight against the sneaky, smelly fuckers. Hopefully he will let us know how to secure our boundaries and prevent another invasion. Until then, my TP is stocked and my vacuum is accessible and I WILL be ready for the next epic battle against the evil stink bugs…